Many years ago, my girlfriend Patty and I were hanging out at the Levittown pools with our kids.  It was the tenth time we yelled out to our kids “Don’t run! Don’t run!  DON’T RUN!!!”

Exasperated Patty asked to no one in particular, “Why don’t my kids ever listen to me?”

I suggested we change our tactics.  Instead of telling our kids what not to do, let’s try telling them what to do!  So, we started with “Walk.”

The change was instantaneous and felt magical.  Our kids listened to us the first time!

Physiologically, the brain does not process a “No”.  If I told you right now – “Don’t think about your shoes.”  What’s the first thing you think about?  Your shoes.  Let’s try again – “Whatever you do – don’t think about where you are sitting right now.”  I bet you are thinking about where you are sitting.

It’s the same thing when we ask our spouse “Don’t forget to bring home milk”.  Or even a mental note we might make to ourselves “Don’t lock yourself out of the car again”.  And sure enough, the behavior we were hoping to avoid happens; our spouse forgets the milk, our keys are locked inside the car AGAIN!

Instead, ask your spouse to “Please remember to bring home milk” and make the mental note, “I will remember to take my keys!”

This small shift in our language has a huge impact.  It leads to self-confident children (or spouses) as they are learning they are capable and can do what is being asked.

Try it now.  Change these statements; giving clear instructions.

  • Stop squirming
  • Stop hitting your brother!
  • Don’t yell!
  • Don’t play so rough.
  • Stop crying.

Practice this for the next week and then, send in your comments and let me know how it goes.