Family Mix

Our worlds are hectic and we as parents try to fit so much into our day.  When unexpected conflict came up between me and my kids I did everything I could think of to get us back on track. Yelling, scolding, insisting, demanding!  Whatever it took to regain control so dinner could get on the table in time, laundry could be washed and put away before the start of the week, schedules could be kept and there was some level of sanity to our busy life.

That meant stamping out my kid’s stubbornness.  I viewed it as a trait that needed to be squelched and admittedly I did a lot of punishing when I encountered it.

It wasn’t until I started training in martial arts that I came to see stubbornness in a very different light. It was my stubbornness in facing my fears, my persistence and tenacity that helped me excel. I had two left feet and everything they taught took me twice as long to learn as the average Joe. My martial arts training was hard and I wanted to give up hundreds of times but I was  stubborn and refused to give up on something I dreamed of doing since I was a little girl.

Persistence is never giving up; holding fast to your dreams and desires no matter what challenges we may encounter. Persistence is an essential quality to success! Every personal development coach will tell you to be persistent… never give up… keep at it.  You want to start a new business?  You want to lose weight? You want to buy a house or save enough cash to go on vacation? Or attain a black belt in martial arts? Whatever your dream, it won’t happen unless you are persistent and keep working at it.

Children are innately persistent.  If they weren’t they would never learn to walk or learn to talk.  Each time I demanded, insisted, struggled with my kids to give up the fight and do it my way I was discouraging that trait.  We need to encourage this trait rather than stamp it out.

Here are some things you can do to encourage persistence:

• Notice when your child is being persistent and acknowledge them for it.  It can be as simple as acknowledging them when they’ve succeeded at a difficult task.  “Look, your persistence paid off and now you learned to ride that bike!”  or, “Your persistence will pay off, keep working at it!”
• Look for persistence in others and talk to your kids about it.  One of my favourite lines in the “Batman Begins” movie is when young Bruce Wayne falls down the well.  After his Dad rescues Bruce he asks, “Why do people fall down?” His Dad (a very successful man) replied “So they can get back up again.”
• Model it yourself. Kids learn best from what they see. Let your kids see you work towards a goal persistently.  You can even ask them to help you stay on track.
• Goals are a great way to practice and learn about persistence. Implement goal setting as a regular family practice. Whether each member of the family is working towards individual goals or you are all working towards a family goal, it doesn’t matter as long as everyone is being supported and practicing persistence.

If persistence is encouraged and allowed to flourish, our kids would grow up with a “can do” attitude and nothing would stop them.

On my long arduous commute home the other day I met this amazing 3 year old little boy.  He was so excited as he engaged me (a stranger) in conversation.  “The elevator is going down!” he exclaimed as the elevator doors closed. I clapped with him enjoying the wonder of watching the doors open. He wanted to take the blue train. His caregiver was nervous that the train might not be blue. So I asked him to consider other colors as we waited on the platform for the train. But the glee was all over his face as the blue train pulled into the station. We watched in fascination as the train doors magically closed behind us and he started to explain how he was going on a boat next! We laughed at the bumpy ride and clapped as the dark tunnel changed into a station.  Suddenly my 2 hour commute didn’t feel so bad.

Take time to see the world through the eyes of a child. Get excited to watch train doors magically open for you and jump for joy when the train turns out to be the blue one!  Get connected to your child and to your inner child and allow the magic of the moment to recharge your spirit!

Let’s all take a lesson from our children. They really are our best teachers!

We all want to feel powerful and feel like we have control. Kids are no different! Kids are given so many commands; “Brush your teeth” … “Eat your breakfast”… “Hurry up!” … “Slow down” …   It is no wonder they often feel like they don’t have any control and engage in power struggles.

It is  important that we find ways to help kids feel powerful. One effective way to avoid power struggles and help children feel powerful is by giving choices.

Louis, age 4 found my cell phone and wanted to play with it. After a few minutes of pushing the buttons I told him we had to put the phone away. Of course he didn’t want to. To avoid the power struggle I gave him a choice. It could go in his pocket or my pocket, but it had to stay in a pocket. Of course he opted for his pocket. When he started to take it out of his pocket I quickly reminded him to make a choice. He knew I meant business and agreed to keep it in his pocket. He was proud to be allowed to carry my cell phone and told everyone what he had in his pocket!

What’s important to remember about giving choices is that the choices you give must be OK with you. I was comfortable allowing Louis to keep the phone in his pocket and could give him that as a choice. Make sure that you are comfortable with the choices you offer.

Many years ago, my girlfriend Patty and I were hanging out at the Levittown pools with our kids.  It was the tenth time we yelled out to our kids “Don’t run! Don’t run!  DON’T RUN!!!”

Exasperated Patty asked to no one in particular, “Why don’t my kids ever listen to me?”

I suggested we change our tactics.  Instead of telling our kids what not to do, let’s try telling them what to do!  So, we started with “Walk.”

The change was instantaneous and felt magical.  Our kids listened to us the first time!

Physiologically, the brain does not process a “No”.  If I told you right now – “Don’t think about your shoes.”  What’s the first thing you think about?  Your shoes.  Let’s try again – “Whatever you do – don’t think about where you are sitting right now.”  I bet you are thinking about where you are sitting.

It’s the same thing when we ask our spouse “Don’t forget to bring home milk”.  Or even a mental note we might make to ourselves “Don’t lock yourself out of the car again”.  And sure enough, the behavior we were hoping to avoid happens; our spouse forgets the milk, our keys are locked inside the car AGAIN!

Instead, ask your spouse to “Please remember to bring home milk” and make the mental note, “I will remember to take my keys!”

This small shift in our language has a huge impact.  It leads to self-confident children (or spouses) as they are learning they are capable and can do what is being asked.

Try it now.  Change these statements; giving clear instructions.

• Stop squirming
• Stop hitting your brother!
• Don’t yell!
• Don’t play so rough.
• Stop crying.

Practice this for the next week and then, send in your comments and let me know how it goes.

I was on the checkout line at the supermarket and a son was helping his mom unload the groceries from their cart and put them on the conveyor belt.

He was putting the soda bottles on their sides on the belt and the unruly bottles were rolling every which way. The Mom didn’t criticize him for his inexperience or bark a command at him.

Instead of -

“That’s stupid! Don’t lay the bottles on their sides!”

The mom simply provided information in a very neutral tone of voice.

“The bottles will take up less space if you stand them up.”

The son saw the wisdom in the new information provided to him and immediately up righted the bottles.

A simple shift in our languaging, such as providing information can lead to more cooperation. This Mom showed respect and appreciation by simply providing information. The son, in turn, felt valued and capable and cooperative.

Thanks Checkout-Mom!

I have always believed, since my children were very young, that all kids want to be good. They want to please their parents and do the right thing. When they don’t, it’s because something is wrong.

The Redirecting Children’s Behavior program, the brain-child of Kathryn Kvols, based her work on the famous child psychiatrist, Rudolf Dreikurs who believed that all children have needs. Actually, all people, even adults have needs. Children and adults are just trying to get their needs met.

Some needs that children have:

• To feel loved
• To give love
• To feel special
• To feel powerful
• To feel valuable
• To experiment and explore

Think how hard it is for us, as adults, to sometimes express our needs and get them met. Children, with far fewer communication skills have an even more difficult time. They express those needs through their behavior. When we, the adult, can look past the behavior and identify the need and begin to address getting the needs met the amount of misbehavior a child exhibits decreases.

I was helping to run a week long children’s workshop awhile back. Everyday we’d take the kids to the pool for an hour of swimming fun! Early on in the week one of the other teachers came to me exasperated, “Eileen, I don’t know what else to do with Dianna. She’s pestering Ben, grabbing the ball from him, splashing him, knocking into him and she just won’t stop. I tried talking to her, I tried scolding her, I even gave her a time-out! She just won’t stop! I’m ready to throw her out of the pool for the rest of today.”

I told my co-teacher I would try.

I found Dianna in the pool and asked her if she could help me. Dianna was very guarded. She didn’t trust adults but she was willing to listen. I told her I was cold and I didn’t want to sit alone in the hot tub and would she be willing to sit with me while I warmed up.

I knew from the brief smile on her face that I had reached her. A teacher singled her out and asked for her help. Out of all the children a teacher asked for Dianna’s help! With my one simple request I helped this unpopular 7 year old child feel loved, valuable, special, and powerful. She gladly followed me into the hot tub where we sat and chatted for no more than 5 minutes before she asked to go back and play with the other kids.  The negative behavior with Ben stopped and Dianna was much more cooperative. My co-teacher was amazed at Dianna’s transformation.

My dream is to create peace through peaceful parenting.

Our world is characterized by conflict, separation, and insensitivity. This parenting model offers parents, teachers, and others who care about the welfare of children a different paradigm for parenting where all family members are empowered to live their dreams through the 5 C’s

• Conscious. Self awareness and self-reflection are at the core of the HeartLight model.  Only through self-awareness can we develop our personal power, self-discipline and self-control. Knowing who we are creates confidence in ourselves and our abilities
• Competent. A “Can-Do” attitude towards life keeps us focused on the positive, instills confidence and results in self-motivated life-long learners.
• Collaborative. Communication and cooperation are essential in all areas of life, especially family. This capability fosters a sense of community and teamwork, and the ability to connect deeply with others.
• Creative. Our passion for discovery and exploration is what drives us.  It is our creativity expressed that brings joy into our lives.
• Compassion. True compassion comes from seeing Self in others. Honoring each family member develops compassion that extends to the earth, and forms a deep connection with all living systems.

These 5 capabilities, when used as a basic operating culture for family promotes wholesomeness where all members are life-long learners who are nurtured every day to develop to their highest potential. Our children will stand in strong self-love, knowing who they are and having the confidence to create fulfilling successful lives.

This model, called the HeartLight Model, is based on the work of Neale Donald Walsch, a modern day spiritual philosopher and author of the extraordinary bestseller Conversations With God books and Dr. William Spady, an internationally renowned educator theorist.  The HeartLight model provides our children with the skills, values, and attitudes required to bring about positive change in the world.

My dream is to empower families in creating a family life that empowers and inspires each member to create a life filled with Love, Joy, and Wisdom.

I hope you join me in my journey…

It was as if Life was conspiring to move me towards this path of becoming a parenting educator. I was going through a time of great upheaval in my own Life. My marriage was ending and it was time to reshape my life. So, at 40-something I was asking myself, “What do you want to be when you grow?”

In that quest I started reading all sorts of self-help, spiritual, and emotional healing books. I found tremendous joy in looking inwards and connecting with my inner spirit.

In the summer of 2001, I went to Oregon to attend the second annual HeartLight Symposium where like minded people gathered to form a school based on the principles taught in the Conversations with God books by Neale Donald Walsch. These schools (www.schoolofthenewspirituality.com) honor the spirit of every child and teach 4 core principles – Awareness, Honesty, Responsibility, and Gratitude. There, I met Barbra, who lives on the East coast a few hours from me and she taught parenting workshops.

In a flash I had my answer! A perfect fit! Teaching was a childhood dream of mine. I absolutely loved being a parent; it was a kind of hobby of mine. I loved being with kids. And here I was, reshaping the definition of my own family.

My path seemed clear and then 9/11 happened and my path became set in stone. When 9/11 happened I got that I could no longer wait for the leaders of our world to create peace on Earth. They didn’t have a clue. It was going to be up to me to create world peace.

And so… here I am still just as driven as ever to assist families in creating and maintaining deep heart connections and honoring the spirit of all family members! Peace begins in the home.

With Joy and Peace,

Eileen.